The Drunkcapades of Zelena and Cruella
by theicecreambattle
Summary: Crack!fic. Entirely AU. What happens if Cruella never died and Zelena returned but was defeated and end up being drinking buddies and messing shit up in Storybrooke? Ships mentioned/hinted: Sea Devil, Captain Swan, Outlaw Queen, Swan Queen brotp. But really the only ship that matters here is Wicked Darling.


**A/N: So this is something that happen when I was talking to Beth, before Cruella died and Zelena returned , just a bit of CRACKY headcanon. This ignores everything about canon basically. What happens if Cruella never died and Zelena returned but was defeated. (and none of that plot-that-shall-not-be-named happened) and end up being drinking buddies and messing shit up in Storybrooke?**

 **This is not something to be taken seriously but I feel this in my soul. And this is by no means proper writing but all in a good nature of fun.**

 **Ships mentioned/hinted: Sea Devil, Captain Swan, Outlaw Queen, Swan Queen brotp.**

* * *

Cruella and Zelena are drinking at rabbit hole. Cruella is bitter and depressed because of Ursula and well, she got kicked out of Team Evil because her membership expired and she's useless when she's drunk. Zelena is overcompensating by suggesting to cook meat pie ("Rumpel loved it, I have you know, he just didn't love me") and cuddles up with Cruella, all the while whining about how Regina got her happy ending and somebody loves her and Zelena doesn't.

Cruella: "Oh, shut up and drink, won't you, darling? It's no fun when there's only one drunk."

Zelena shuts up. For like a second because she's still bitter. Cruella needs a better reason to stop her whining.

Cruella: "I'm bored. Why don't we go out for a spin and I don't know, test if this car could fly over the train?"  
Zelena: "Are you mad? How about we do something that won't kill us? I already escape death twice, I'm not sure I have enough Out of Hell passes for another go."  
Cruella: "You Mills women are no fun. Fine then, you think of something."  
Zelena: "I need to throw stuff."  
Cruella: "LET'S EGG THE SHERIFF STATION!"  
Zelena: "NOW we're talking! I like the way you think, Ella!"  
Cruella: "Ella? Oh for heavens sakes, I'm not Cinderella!"  
Zelena: "Who said anything about Cinderella? Who's Cinderella?"  
Cruella: "Ugh, just a lowly servant girl that Snow has been all buddy with. Everyone only knows her as the girl who stayed pregnant for 28 years."  
Zelena: "Damn! and I thought I had a hard life."  
Cruella: "the more you know!"  
Zelena: "Well, whatever. I like calling you Ella. It suits you."  
Cruella: *rolls eyes but secretly loving it* "So, are we going to do this or not?"  
Zelena: "YAS. Those two lovebirds are annoying as heck. Even after cursing Hook, he still manage to get his happy ending."  
Cruella: "you know Hook?! UGHHHH HE'S THE ONE WHO TOOK AWAY MY URSULA."  
Zelena: "Let's do something nasty to his ship!"  
Cruella: "oooooooo… yes, let's. We got to get moving if we wanna hit all the stops. I'm driving."  
Zelena: "oh like hell you are, I'd like to survive long enough to actually pay them back. Fancy a broomstick? Or these silver slippers?"  
Cruella: "Do they come in red? Because i only ever wear black white and red."  
Zelena: "oh for heavens sake. Haul ass, would ya?"  
Cruella: "Don't you know how to poof us there?"  
Zelena: "oh yeahhhh.. I completely forgotten about that.

*Zelena poofs them both to Granny's diner*

Cruella: "and why are we here, darling? The sheriff's station doesn't sell breakfast if i remember correctly.  
Zelena: "How did you manage to even get anything done before I came along? No wonder you got kicked out of Team Evil. How do you expect to egg a place without eggs?"  
Cruella: "oh yeah! I forgotten about that."  
Zelena: "Oy yoy yoy. Must I do everything?"

*They steal the eggs from granny's and poofs to the Sherriff's station and eggs the place, which lasted 15 seconds, because they don't have that many eggs to begin with.*

Cruella: "Crap. We ran out of eggs."  
Zelena: "I told you we should have gotten more eggs."  
Cruella: "Do i look like i have a lot of pockets?"  
Zelena: "FINEEEE."  
Cruella: "Well, move along darling, we haven't got all night."

*Zelena poofs them to jolly roger*

Zelena: "I want to do something permanent."  
Cruella: "Let's crave into the wood! The precious captain will weep for days!"  
Zelena: "Yes! I know exactly what I want to carve"  
Cruella: "Wait, what are we craving?"

*Zelena ignores her and finishes her carving *  
Zelena: "Roses are red, violets are blue. You thought I was dead, HAHA screw you!"  
Cruella: "I have a crook and I'm a hook."  
Zelena: "Wait, that doesn't make sense."  
Cruella: "I'm too hammered to think of grammar."  
Zelena: "That's not even –"  
Cruella: "Whatever, Shakespeare."  
Zelena: "ooooo, let's go to Regina's next"  
Cruella: "and do what?"  
Zelena: "sing "part of your world""  
Cruella: "WHYYYY?"  
Zelena: "because i'm bored and i really practiced this song for the longest time and Joanna Garcia got the part before i did and damnit IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MINE"  
Cruella: "ookaaayyyyyy, but why sing to Regina?"  
Zelena: "Because she gets everything she wants, this is why she gets to sword fight and be Ursula."  
Cruella: *perks up* "my Ursula?"  
Zelena: "oh stop being so pathetic, not everything is about your Ursula. The goddess of the sea - Ursula."  
Cruella: "Oh."

*Zelena poofs both of them to Regina's house and she starts to sing aggressively*

Zelena: "I WANNA BE! WHERE THE PEOPLE ARE! I WANNA SEE, WANNA SEE THEM DANCINGGGGG"

*Regina stomps out with Robin, Henry and Roland trailing behind her.*  
Regina: "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING AT THIS HOUR!"  
Zelena: "Duh, i'm singing! You know, for a mayor, you're not very clever."  
Cruella: "She wants to be Ariel…. Sometimes I wish I was Ariel too, I'd be able to live with Ursula…"  
Zelena: "Yes! Because i look good in red hair and I want a fin."  
Cruella: "Ugh, I don't feel so good."  
Zelena: "Look at your face, it's green."  
Cruella: "You're one to talk!"  
Zelena: "How dare you! I'll turn you into a monkey."  
Cruella: "Please, I'll turn you into a mitten."  
Regina: *rolls eyes* "Whatever you intend to do, could you please step off my porch."  
Cruella: "and why would we even listen to you?"  
Zelena: "yes, you are not the boss of me!"  
Regina: Oh for heaven's sake!

*Regina dangles cruella's car keys and zelena's broomstick in front of them*

Regina: "you would listen if you still want these back!"

*Cruella barfs*

Regina: "oh for the love of –"  
Robin: *rubs calming circles on Regina's back* "There, there.."  
Roland: "Regina, is the lady sick? Does she need some milk and cookies?"

*Henry chuckles*

Zelena: "Excuse her, Ella has had too many drinks. I, however, can hold my liquor."  
Regina: "Zelena! You will clean this up or so help me, you two will be sentence to cleaning the streets for a month."  
Zelena: "heyyy you can't —-" *barfs at Regina's shoes*

*Henry chuckles again and triggering Robin to laugh and pretty much everyone is in tears except Regina, who calls Emma in her desperation*

*Both Emma and David arrived within minutes*  
Emma: "umm.. what the hell just happened here?"  
Regina: "As you can see, Miss Swan, they are both drunk, and causing a nuisance, please lock them up to prevent further harm to the town."  
David: "Oh Regina, it's nothing, they're harmless, just a bit drunk."  
Emma: "Yeah, lighten up, Regina!"  
Regina: "Lighten up?!"  
Cruella: "Yes, lighten up, darling, just a bit of fun and drinks and a visit to the Rolly Joger."  
Zelena: "Ella dear, I told you it's the Jolly Roger."  
Cruella: "Oh whatever, it's a stupid name. It's not Jolly and the last Roger I know does not look like a ship. I miss Pongo."  
David: "What did you do to the Jolly Roger?!"  
Cruella: "Practicing my poetry, which is damn fine I say."  
Emma: "Oh, Hook will love this."  
Zelena: "Roses are red~~~"  
Regina: "Somebody please shoot me in the face."  
Cruella: "Violets are blue~~~~~"  
David: "This ought to be good!"  
Zelena: "You thought i was dead, HAHA SCREW YOU!"  
Cruella: "Genius, I say!"

*Regina and Emma rolls their eyes while the other resume their laughing*

Cruella: "I did one too you know, Sheriff Chiseled Chin."  
Robin: *snorts* "and here we go.."  
Cruella: "Hey, don't be jealous, darling! I like a bit of scruff too and I don't mind sharing."  
Regina: "Back off, puppy!"  
Zelena: "Ohhhh she's mad!"  
Cruella: "As I was saying…" *clears throat* "I have a crook and I'm a hook."  
Emma: "What?"  
Cruella: "No need to envy my talent. My poetry is beautiful."  
Regina: *exasperated* "Can we at least throw them in the cell of vandalism?"  
Zelena: "That's not all we did, my lovelies!"  
Emma: "Do i even want to know?"  
Cruella: "Oh you would, darling! We egged the sheriff station!"  
Emma/David: "YOU DID WHAT!"  
Zelena: "What? You always needed something to go with your grilled cheese!"  
Emma: "Bloody hell!"  
David: "That's it, in the pound you go."

THE END.

* * *

 **What do you think? Wouldn't they be perfect together? *sigh***


End file.
